Things that make me gassy

• cucumbers
• gatorade
• cookies
• puppies
• chili
• potatoes
• jello
• beer
• etc

Also, has anyone figured out a good way to trim nose hair? I have what looks like a jewish person's nether regions hanging out of my nostrils.

My farts almost make me chunder

So have you ever eaten a lot of canned Chili? Until recently I hadn't, but I've discovered the hearty meat and bean combination will calm even the most extreme appetite [mine].

After spending months gaining and gaining, I've finally decided to take some of the weight off. I joined a gym and my new best friend is the 5 foot tall personal trainer. We'll call her Xena.

Well, Xena told me I have to take off a bunch of weight and start exercising like a champ, and reduce my calorie intake. A good way I've found to do this is eat dense foods like canned chili.

The only problem: I clear out rooms. Yesterday, I was eating a sensible dinner with Robby and I thought I'd sneak in a silent one, and we both nearly threw up on the table. It probably didn't help that we'd gotten "friendly" after work, and so we all know that doesn't help anything at all. My close friends KNOW I've always been gassy, but we usually have contests to name the smell.

It's usually fun and games like, "oh oh oh!! This one smells like pizza, donuts, and vegetable cream cheese rotting in a sauna!", but now it's no fun. My boss has been mentioning that the vicinity of my cubicle smells like rotting flesh.

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I admire John so much

I've been so busy. You see, we're moving to a brand new trailer in South Park. It's so nice. I got a nice set of white wall tires picked out, and I got to pick out the color of the plastic wall tiles in the living room.

There is even a friendly crack dealer, right on the corner. After only a few visits he's even offering us freebies, and I got a crack-hit punch card!!! Only 10 visits and I get a bag of heroin for FREE!

My friend John is someone to admire though. John can do anything.

He went to the doctor for his normal herpeygonnasiphilHIV test (he'd been in a car with me, so it was a smart precaution, beside the antibiotics he got on just in case there was some latency), and started taking Chantix, and now he's a non-smoker.

Just sayin. Shout out to John. You're like my hero.

I'm a fat pig, and I love it.

So I don't know if you've heard, but I'm really into feederism.

Feederism is a fetish, where you find the act of feeding and gaining weight sexy. I'm even into eating/feeding during sex.

So Robby and I feed each other, and the more weight we gain the hotter we think it is. At some point we're expecting to be so fat that we won't be able to bang anymore (it'll be another month or two for that), but we'll probably be semi-immobile at that point. You know, as hot as it is--the mechanics just don't work anymore once your belly/ass sticks out a certain distance.

NASCAR

After a long weekend, I started out my week a little bit worse for the wear.

I realized my favorite Tony Stewart hat was dirty, as was my NASCAR logo jacket. I guess I had one too many cans of Keystone Ice after country line dancing, and then ended up falling off the adult tricycle I was riding home.

So True.

Old Spice

I can't believe I ran out of Old Spice.

Everyone knows Old Spice is my trademark scent. They stopped carrying it anywhere within 25 miles of my house....and now I'm scent free! I'm freaking out. Now, all I smell like is Head and Shoulders and Dial soap.

I'm going to have to take the bus to Renton to get some.

The things I do to enrich your lives.

Britney can eat me

So I don't know if you heard, but Britney Spears is coming to town....and I hate that trampy whore.

She is just a big talentless bag of water. I don't care what they say, "she's misunderstood" "she plays to her audience" BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

I've never seen anyone with less talent. Womanizer? "Lets have some tunes and just chant the same thing over and over in a nasty squeak and call it music!!"

I was so happy when I thought she was going to self destruct and we wouldn't have to hear about her anymore, but NOPE. Maybe she'll find a man like Ike Turner that will treat her right.

It's been a rough week.

So busy!

I've been so busy lately that I have barely had time to write.

You see, I've been hitting up every casino buffet in the area, trying to determine the best cost/quantity ratio. The Muckleshoot is my fave, because I can get all the rocky mountain oysters i can eat for $10. I mean, they're on my protein diet and they're so tender and delicious!

I'm off to the tanning salon now though. Later.

Talk about a walk down memory lane! Back in my early thirties, you
could always find me at some random sporting event I knew absolutely
nothing about, tossing care and decent fashion sense to the wind in
favor of sequins and short-shorts. Ah, to be young again.

My BIRTHDAY!

For my birthday I decided to treat myself to something special.

I spent the day dressed in my wrestling garb playing WWE Raw on my playstation. I barely stopped to eat! Of course, I had a good supply of my favorite beer and did chow down on pork rinds. Yay for puffed fried pig skin!

Everything I wanted for my birthday! A fresh vag, and a lubed-up lice-
free do!

Fat girl loves her some hot turkey at midnight.

Happy Valentimes Day

Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm so hung over today! After an eventful day, I spent yesterday evening drinking Keystone Ice (my fave) and waxing my whole body. There is nothing better than being as bald as a 10 year old boy...all over. *wink* *wink*

No real evening plans, which means I have a date with Jerry Springer and Cops.

Mom always said to wear clean underwear

So I can't even begin to tell you how thrilled I am about the WWE being in Seattle this weekend. Not that I wouldn't travel to see The Big Show, because I would. You know I would.

I mentioned earlier that my friend, who happens to work at the hotel where they're staying, called me and mentioned that TBS called for valet laundry service. Well, being the girl-on-the-go that I am, I skipped over there this afternoon and retrieved his bag of clothes.

I know this sounds a bit stalkery, but it isn't. I'm one of his biggest fans, and it's the least I can do to give him the cleanest clothes he's ever had. You have no idea how excited I was to open that bag up and smell the musk.

He's going to have the cleanest underwear ever. I spent the last hour washing his undies by hand in my sink, giving them the attention they deserve.

Just writing this makes me squeal with delight.

Newsflash:

My friend who works at the hotel just informed me that The Big Show called for valet laundry.

and I'm off....

I just can't get enough of Mr. The Big Show

I just can't get enough country music and wrestling

So I have some insider information about the WWE. Yeah, that's right, I know where they're staying this weekend.

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? I actually like The Big Show. He's my favorite.

It's going to take all my composure not leap into his lap if I see him while skulking around the hotel lobby.

On another note, while listening to my Diamond Rio CD (for what seems like the hundred billionth time) I realized I just can't get enough of the country music. It's like the singers are gazing into my SOUL! What a beautiful mess you've made Mr. Rio, what a beautiful mess.

Another year older

Part of my bad mood lately has been to do with my birthday coming up. You see, I'm turning 37. Turning 37 in itself isn't all that bad, but since I lost all the weight last year (I'm down to 220, YAY!) I realized 37 year old skin isn't elastic anymore. So now, almost 37, I have oodles of flaccid folds.

I literally have to wrap myself in ace bandage every morning to even things out, and make the walk to work a bit easier. Without the bandage it is like walking with a big ol' skin tassel go go dress.

I was going to have it removed...but when I found donating it to burn victims wasn't tax deductible I figured, "why bother?"! I'd rather make a skin coat out of it if I'm not going to be rewarded by the government.

Another day another dollar

Phew. So I woke up this morning and wasn't feeling very well...So I went to the mirror, gazed intently, and ordered, "try to be more like John today!" That always makes me feel a little bit better.More later.